I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
