So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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