if you like me you must not know who I am
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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