Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
