Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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