You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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