You smell like stripper and shame
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
