you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
