Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
