Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
