Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
