im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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