something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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