I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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