I think my vagina is haunted
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
