I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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