my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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