Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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