So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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