i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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