I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My vagina just recognized that song.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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