my mouth tastes like poor choices
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
