I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
