There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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