If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
