toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
