the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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