Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
