i may or may not be watching the land before time
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
