the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
