Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
