There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
