you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
