My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
