I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
