Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
