I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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