the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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