Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
