Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
