I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
