I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
