Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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