My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
