you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I didn't notice because vodka
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
