first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
