She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
