if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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