ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
