You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
